Where Claude Came From
by 0mohni0
Summary: With the debut of the new butler Claude in Kuroshitsuji II, we’re all wondering why the hell he looks like Sebastian’s and William’s the shinigami love-child. Well…it started on a rainy night…


SUMMARY: With the debut of the new butler (Claude) in Kuroshitsuji II, we're all wondering why the hell he looks like Sebastian's and William's love-child.

Well…it started on a rainy night…

The night was dark and stormy; torrents of rain slid down the windows and hammered on the roof. It had given Sebastian, with his superior demonic hearing, quite a headache.

And to add to his list of miseries: he was bored. Now normally, when Sebastian was bored, he would spend his time terrifying someone with his freaky open-mouthed smile, or with his uncanny ability to pull out someone's intestines with spoons and forks.

But none of that today, because everyone in the Phantomhive manor was fast asleep, snoring through the heavy rain and thunder.

He couldn't even go taste Master a bit-- last time Ciel had caught him doing that when he was asleep, he had been quite pissed off and had made Sebastian spend the night in the garden.

"If you want to lick my face like a puppy; stay in the garden--where puppies belong!" Ciel had yelled, blue eyes raging with pissed-off-emotions. He slammed the front door in Sebastian's face.

Now, as much has Sebastian would hate to admit it; the way Ciel shut him out actually hurt his pride rather a lot. He had made a vow not to taste Young Master when he was asleep, for fear of even more derogatory punishment.

Thinking about that incident had made Sebastian almost…melancholy. He wanted to forget the entire incident. He wanted someone to drink away his miseries with--

He saw the phone. He saw the bottle of strong wine. And then he saw a little hate-picture of Grell and William Ciel had doodled on instead of doing his paperwork.

He got an idea.

He picked up the phone and dialed the operator.

"Hello sir. Before I ask 'may I help you', I would like to ask you why the fucking hell you're calling the fucking operator at three in the morning?!" The man on the other side sounded pissed for some reason Sebastian couldn't fathom.

The sexy demon rolled his eyes and turned on his sexy voice charm. "My deepest apologies, dear Operator-san." He said, voice deep, rich and husky.

"Umm, of course…!" Sebastian could practically _hear_ the man blushing on the other side of the line. He smirked to himself ('I've still got it! Oh baby!')and twiddled his little finger around the phone cord, biting his lower lip seductively.

"I was wondering, helpful Operator-san, whether you could connect my call to heaven."

The operator stopped blushing for a second and blinked. "What?"

Sebastian slammed the phone down. He sighed-- he should have guessed that human contraptions weren't that advanced yet. Only one way left now, he supposed.

He began stripping off his shirt, whistling to himself quietly. When he was bare-chested, he moved his black-painted nails towards the waistband of his sexy black trousers…

CRASH.

Sebastian smirked. Prey lured. He pulled his pants back up (even though they had barely gone down a centimeter) and turned around to find Grell collapsed on the floor.

"Sebbas-tain…" Grell moaned, trying, and failing miserably, to sound seductive through the pain of jumping out of heaven. "I always knew…ow ow ow…you wanted me…"

The ravenette grinned, smug. He didn't intend to drink away his miseries with Grell-- oh no. He would probably wake up in some highly awkward position, with chocolate all over his sexy body, and very, very _sore._ Sebastian cocked his head to the side, trying to erase the mental image. Oh, no. He wasn't going to get smashed with Grell around. It was Grell's companion, the oh-so-handsome William T. Spears, whom he was after.

All he had to do was pretend to kill Grell for a bit and Will-chan would come hopping out of heaven to meet him.

Well. That was easier done than said. He had no more than pointed a spoon at Grell's throat (the eating utensil wasn't even sharp, goddamn it!) and Will had shown up in his room, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with the tip of his scythe.

Sebastian frowned. Didn't Will miss his glasses and poke his eye out doing that? It was sharp! And dangerous!

Will cleared his throat. Rather sexily. "I'm afraid I can't allow you to kill a fellow shinigami." He said, wrinkling his nose at Grell's whimpering form.

Sebastian smiled at Will genuinely-- he looked slightly disturbed. Grell looked outraged.

"Well, Will…"

William twitched at the shortening of his name.

"I'll agree to just knocking him unconscious if you join me for a drink or two to let out all the stress built up in useful, all-powerful men as ourselves."

William conceded quite easily.

They had started drinking, at first, talking lightly of things that annoyed them the most. They had to knock Grell out and dump him out the window, seeing as he was one of the things that bothered both of these awesomely sexy men the most.

"I hate it how Young Master always hangs around that bitch Lizzie. I wish she'd die. I tried to kill her but Young Master slapped me." Sebastian sniffed, almost crying.

William, also smashed out of his mind, put a hand on his shoulder. "I know how you feel. Would you believe that Grell just promoted and now he's my BOSS?!"

Sebastian burst into sparkly tears. "That must be so difficult!"

Will nodded, tearing up and sucking his lower lip. "The evil Undertaker keeps on giving him weird ideas of what to make me do as orders next-- it's so humiliating!" Will put his head in his arms and sobbed.

Sebastian looked heartbroken. "You too!" He cried, hugging the other man tenderly. "Ciel loves humiliating me too." He sighed, and buried his pale nose into the crook of William's drunk-smelling neck.

"We're the only ones in the world who understand each *hic* otherrrr…" The brunette slurred, hiccupped and whimpered, all at once.

"I'm so glad to have you, Will-chan." Sebastian sobbed.

"Me too, Sebby-chan. I wish we could stay like this forever…" The be speckled shinigami breathed, nuzzling further in Sebastian's (still bare) shoulder.

"Forever…Like those tortoises, you know, the ones that live for like three hundred freaking years, it's like a really long time-- hey, wanna have sex?"

Sebastian perked up. "Sure!"

So they did. Now, I _would_ tell you what happened, but it would involve a lot of 'Oooh's and 'Aaaah's and 'Fuck yes, Sebastian!'s, all of which cause my crappy version of Microsoft Works Word Processor to think that I don't know how to spell my sex-noises, and therefore need to be underlined in annoying wiggly red lines…which, in turn, piss me off, so I won't.

You'll have to settle with what happens AFTER they had sex, and laid on the floor (because they were too drunk to get to the bed) naked, covered in chocolate (Déjà vu, anyone?) and very, _very_ sore.

"Ya know…it's a great thing we're both guys. We don't have to worry about contraceptives and abortion and all that shit." William sighed.

Sebastian nodded, his head on William's pale chest.

"Yup. So at least we know that no babies will be appearing out of nowhere because of this little escapade."

But as soon as this sentence was out of Sebastian's mouth, something popped.

POP!

There was an abundance of pink glittery dust everywhere, and the two men had to wave it off a little before they could see what the stork dropped off-- literally.

A little baby, swathed in a blue blanket with a name embroidered on it, had just appeared on the floor between the two naked men.

Sebastian blinked, eyes wide. William sweat-dropped.

"Wait a minute…" Sebastian read the name off the blanket. "'Claude?' Who the fuck is that?"

William peered at the baby's face. "Well…it has glasses a lot like mine.

"And eyes like mine!" Sebastian exclaimed.

They looked at each other, horrified.

"You don't think…"

Both men gazed at each helplessly, eyes wide and jaws dropped.

"But it's only been…like…an HOUR since we…"

Sebastian cut William off. "More importantly!" He exclaimed, pointing a long manicured, painted-black nail at the baby. "WHICH ONE US GOT PREGANANT?!"

---

A/N: It HAD to be done. LOL. I'm on crack. And reviews make me love you. Haha, they got so drunk that they didn't remember that they couldn't get pregnant. XD

It's actually kinda hot. ^^'

Now, please review!


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